So like they say it’s all fun and games until someone dies of starvation. My head is fuzzy, concentration is nil, and my hand, eye, ear, co-ordination is at an all time low. The room was spinning when I woke up this morning, (no I didn’t have too many vodkas) it was before 10am so that could be the answer to that conundrum. Today I decided to take the whole drink as much water as you possibly can, to the max. I nearly drowned, and despite what everyone says water does not fill you up, because of its blandness it simply reminds you of how good food tastes.

I had my trusty orange for breakfast it is now what I look forward to (how sad is that) then of course came ‘The Shake’. I know I keep going on about how awful they are but I feel like I have been wronged. I have been lured into this diet under false pretences; they told me that these shakes were delicious. Yet every time I shake the powder out of the sachet I want to vomit and then I am actually expected to drink one of these things. On the box they could have put me wide and said ‘tastes like sour milk’ or ‘throwing up in your own mouth’. They definitely should have a warning too, ‘shakes may cause you to dry wretch’ or ‘in extreme cases, shakes may lead to death.’

I spent most of today lolling on the coach repeatedly saying I can’t feel my legs Sal, and then an awful thing happened. Do you ever wonder why god gave you siblings? Today my sister (The fitness Nazi) held me hostage in her car and drove me to a spinning class. I really don’t know why no one helped me, we were stopped in traffic for a good ten minutes and I was screaming hysterically out of the window, my eyes were pleading and my wails were clearly audible to the five cars behind us. ‘It is going to be fun I promise, imagine how much better you will feel after’ at this stage I knew I was hallucinating, she cannot be serious do you know what I have had to eat today?

I wondered how awful would it be to try and smother your own sister. I was sure I had some strength left. Unfortunately I found myself on a spinning bike. I do not know how I got through that hour it must have been the will of god and I will thank him every day for the rest of my life for giving me the strength and the courage to keep on going, even when I thought all was lost and that I could not go on, Jesus my saviour, I love you.

Day four is now coming to a close so please excuse me as I am now off to dream of some giant cookies, and hopefully I will have a date with a gingerbread man, love those gum drops.

I woke up today with the sweet taste of cookies on my lips, ohhhhh sugar how I have missed you. I knew I should have chained the fridge up. I must have sleep walked down stairs and gorged on satins double chocolate chip cookies (they put the junk in your trunk). Was my body that starved of sugar? The answer of course is ah Hello Yeah, but fortunately for my diet and my sanity it was just a dream. A dream may I add that I really did not want to wake up from, the mind can be cruel. Oh cruel cruel world.

Day three in the big diet house and I am beginning to hallucinate. Extreme lack of concentration is starting to kick in. Is it not okay to walk out on front of a moving car? Jesus don't they know I’m on a diet; my hand, leg, sight, ear co-ordination is not what it used to be. My pin code? Now do you really expect me to remember that don't be ridiculous. Everything seems darker and its about to get a whole lot darker.

So far I have managed to eat or should I say drink by myself, away from all the sugar monsters whose complexions glow and eyes glint (monster's).Today however, I had to drink my shake while my friends had lunch. It was a very upsetting experience, was I paying attention to the conversation, no of course not. My eyes were locked on that chicken burger and the packet of crisps that lay unattended on the table. The fat and skinny demons battled in my head; 'I wonder if I take a bite, while she's eating it would she even notice', 'I don't think she will be able to finish it by herself', 'it would be a shame to waste it', 'no don't do it you will ruin everything', 'a moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips'.

I was having an argument in my head with myself; it doesn't matter if I am going crazy at least I will be a crazy skinny person. No I told myself stay strong, sit on your hands and so I did.

I am already envisioning myself to be the new model on front of the Celebrity Slim pack 'follow Denise's inspiring amazing weight loss story 5 stone in one week' Guys it really was that easy. I heart food, miss you baby, we will be reunited soon.

So a strange thing happened today, I woke up and I wasn’t hungry, bizarre. I don't know whether this is cheating but I have decided to go to bed ridiculously early and get up as late as possible which equals less time to think about food, genius no? The hunger has not set in yet, but I suppose it is only day two. As far as im concerned I am staying strong, I stared down a packet of Jaffa cakes on the table earlier and I won.

I had my usual orange for breakfast all though it was the size of a small child's head. Before I knew it, it was time for 'The Shake'. I told myself to be strong how awful could it be? The smell of powdery banana turned my stomach but being the soldier I am I sipped it tentatively at first, but soon realised it wasn’t actually that bad. I can do this. So with my giant orange and my banana shake down, I headed to my circuit class. I knew this would be interesting.

Breaking into a sweat is an understatement. I knew there was going to be a problem when I struggled to get out of the car. Sit ups, squats, jogging and many other forms of torture began to take their toll on me. After 15 minutes I had to peel myself off the matt and crawl to the next station. At one stage I thought I was going to die, my body began to shut down, but at least I will be skinnier when they find me sprawled across the floor glistening with sweat. My picture will be in all the papers 'she was such a lovely girl; all she wanted to do was lose weight'. Fortunately, I survived, and had a lovely piece of grilled chicken to look forward to although I just about managed to feed myself. 6 o’clock time for bed I reckon.

So let the madness begin hunger, headaches, and err. . . basically no food, I’m starving all ready. My poison of choice is the celebrity slim diet because by the end of this week I want to look like a celebrity, they told me I would on the box.

For all of you who have not heard of the Celebrity Slim diet we have seen it many times before; Slim Fast, Lipotrim and all the diets that promise you will lose 9 pounds, all you have to do is swap a meal, have a shake, ah go on. The celebrity slim diet is basically a meal replacement programme. And of course they say 'it’s easy'. On this programme you replace two meals each day with delicious (their words) Celebrity Slim shakes, soups or bars, (yummy) and eat one ‘normal’ balanced meal each day.

After shelling out 42 euro on the celebrity slim start up pack complete with shaker, I almost felt 7 pounds lighter. When I opened up my pack I was greeted with a lovely array of banana, chocolate, and strawberry flavoured shakes. A chocolate shake brilliant, this is going to be a piece of cake, I am so going to lose 7 pounds by Friday.

My confidence however, soon wavered as I sampled my first shake, (chocolate of course) disgusting, this could be a slight problem. My family had all ready laughed at the idea that I could go without chocolate, crisps, and many other foods high in saturated fats for one day let alone a week. I had no choice but to down it in one go I won’t let them break me. ‘Is it nice?' ‘Yeah delicious, I want another one already’.

An orange, a chocolate putrid shake, and a miniscule piece of grilled chicken, day one over. I already feel like I deserve to have lost one stone, so I decided to step on the scales, sadly computer said no. All my hopes are now pinned on the banana flavoured shake; oh please don’t let me down.